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Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix

Re-post of the review I did for the last Harry Potter film. Bum link missing though - you'll have to go searching for yourself.

Life permitting, I'll get to see Half-Blood Prince this weekend.

*****

AKA - Harry Potter and the barely mentioned Order integral to the plot of the next book (and presumably number 7).

I wanted to love this film. Love it. But I didn't. Azkaban is still my favourite.

Initially I was distracted by Daniel Radcliffe. He distracted me in the first two films because of his shitty acting, this time he distracted me because I'd seen these* photos. Took me a while before I stopped remembering his bare arse*. Probably a good thing I'd not seen the other side then**. Once I got over that I was able to concentrate on the film.

Now I admit it is a very large book and so parts of it cannot be included in the film. But, having spent a while on the phone tonight talking about it with someone who has also read the book (but doesn't intend on seeing the film at the cinema), I started remembering even more that was cut out of the film.

Not going to tell you what is cut out though. You'll have to find that out for yourself. But, I will say that Umbridge doesn't really evoke the hatred you have for her in the book.

Bits were also changed. Things that happened in the book may have happened in the film but were just changed. This kinda irritated me.

Best bit of the film though were the scenes in the Department of Mysteries. THIS is what we've been waiting for. Wizard/witch against wizard/witch. It was great. Still, not long enough, I thought. The Dumbledore v Voldemort scene was great too. Poor ol' Morty. I hesitate to say it was better than the Gandalf/Saruman fight in LOTR, but I would say it was almost, if not just as good as that. Different though, so it's a bit more difficult to compare.

The chick who played Luna was great. Very amusing. There was once line she says at the end of the film however that makes me think they couldn't have been more screamingly obvious if they tried.

Also, the final scene, and the final line. Trite and insipid. Harry's gone Hollywood!

Maybe wait until a tightarse Tuesday to see it if you want to see it at the cinema. Tonight we had to put up with people clapping at certain scenes - it's a movie people! They can't hear you!

Although, having said all that, it was still way better than the first two films.


* removed the link. Sick to death of people getting to my blog because of it. Look for them yourself if you are interested.
**one of my so-called "friends" just sent me that pic. My eyes! My eyes!

Guitar chicks

OK, so the sound is a bit dodgy, but I love this song so much I had to share:

One man + one woman + their freaky fundy shit

From the "Fundies do the darndest things" category comes the following:



That there piece of paper is provided by Defend Marriage, "Because Every Child Deserves a Mom and a Dad." My favourite part is this:

War bonds have been used to finance wars for centuries. Now, DefendMarriage takes up that same principle in the fight to keep traditional marriage pure and simple, "between one man and one woman". This is a cultural war that must be won. The nation's children cannot wait.

Issued as certificates, there is no interest on these bonds. Instead, they will only be regarded by the Creator and repaid according to His mercy and grace.

Pharmacists don't have right of refusal

Pharmacists are obliged to dispense the Plan B pill, even if they are personally opposed to the "morning after" contraceptive on religious grounds, a federal appeals court ruled Wednesday.

In a case that could affect policy across the western U.S., a supermarket pharmacy owner in Olympia, Wash., failed in a bid to block 2007 regulations that required all Washington pharmacies to stock and dispense the pills.

LA Times

Yes!

How dare a pharmacist think they have the right to decide if a person may use a contraceptive? The fact that this even needed to go to court is a sad indication of how out of control religious nutbags are when it comes to protecting their "right" to tell others what they should and should not be doing.

I've said it before - if you have a religious objection to providing a comprehensive medical service, don't place yourself in that position. You go on about personal responsibility - fucking exercise some yourself.

Family-owned Ralph's Thriftway and two pharmacists employed elsewhere sued Washington state officials over the requirement. The plaintiffs asserted that their Christian beliefs prevented them from dispensing the pills, which can prevent implantation of a recently fertilized egg. They said that the new regulations would force them to choose between keeping their jobs and heeding their religious objections to a medication they regard as a form of abortion.

Ah, choice. It's such a difficult concept for some Christians to understand.

It's funny, but my GP is a practicing Catholic and what did I find in his surgery the other day? A pamphlet on abortion - how you can go about getting one. See? It's not difficult. Provide accurate and timely information to someone and you'll find they're quite capable of making their own decision. I know it's a difficult concept for some to grasp, but adults generally take responsibility for their actions. They don't need some perfect stranger making a decision for them.

The right to freely exercise one's religion "does not relieve an individual of the obligation to comply with a valid and neutral law of general applicability," the 9th Circuit panel wrote.

"Any refusal to dispense -- regardless of whether it is motivated by religion, morals, conscience, ethics, discriminatory prejudices, or personal distaste for a patient -- violates the rules," the panel said.

Fuck off, China

China apparently thinks they have the right to dictate what may be shown at the MIFF:

THE Chinese Government has demanded that the Melbourne International Film Festival dump a documentary about an exiled minority leader whom they label a terrorist and blame for instigating this month's ethnic riots in Xinjiang, which left more than 180 people dead.

The Australian film about millionaire Uighur businesswoman and grandmother Rebiya Kadeer, who was once feted by the Chinese Government as an example of ethnic harmony in China, is scheduled to premiere on August 8.

Festival director Richard Moore said the Chinese consulate in Melbourne phoned him late on Friday after the festival's full program was published in The Age, insisting that the documentary, The 10 Conditions of Love, be withdrawn.

The consular official, Ms Chen, who is believed to be the new Melbourne cultural attache, demanded that Mr Moore justify his decision to include the film. She also castigated him for allowing Ms Kadeer to be a guest of the festival. Ms Kadeer is due in Melbourne next month to speak at the premiere.

Sadly, what they're forgetting is that we're one of those things, what do you call them again? Oh! That's right - A DEMOCRACY.

Besides, if they were really serious about it, they'd contact Stephen Conroy - he's the one who is totally into censorship in this country.

Ross has a succinct post up about this. Really, I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's too quiet. I'm scared!

Apologies for the quietness around here these past few weeks. Shitty week last week, then I was sick from the weekend and only started feeling significantly better yesterday.

And since Friday night my internet has been shaped during peak hours*, which makes my patience wear a little thin (even though it is still faster than what we have at work! Go figure) and isn't conducive to blogging. Put all this together and you have a pretty quiet Survival Guide.

Can't do much more today than post a few videos - I've got to head out in about an hour to attend to family stuff so by the time I get home I'll be back to peak hours access. Sigh. Thankfully, this will only go on for another day and my internets will be back to normal.

So, in the meantime, I bring you I Fuck Dogs. I know I've posted this before, but you can never have too much DAAS. Nella and I were singing this (and doing some of the hand movements) on Friday at work, and it's been stuck in my head ever since.



And The White Stripes sing Jolene live. Excellent.









* No officer, I don't know who has been downloading all these movies and television shows onto my computer. I wouldn't even know how to go about that. *innocent look*

Sex at sea

So the latest sex "scandal" involves the Australian Navy:

THE Royal Australian Navy has confirmed that four sailors were sent home to Australia from Singapore following allegations they held a contest to have sex with female workmates, with cash prizes up for grabs.

[...]

It was said the sailors created a document known as "the ledger", in which the sexual exploits of some crew members were recorded.

Cash prizes were said to have been assigned for having sex with female crew members, with higher prizes on offer for sleeping with a lesbian or an officer.

A lot of people seem to be thinking this is an issue of consent. But it isn't. There is no denying the women who had sex with their fellow sailors consented. The issue here is of respect.

Creating a ledger in which you win money due to who you sleep with is demeaning. It is disgraceful behaviour and it was right that the four people involved were sent home.

I would presume that anyone else involved (i.e. the female sex partners) have been appropriately punished for fraternisation - I'm guessing that rule still applies - but unless they knew of the ledger and knowingly took part in the "game", then that would be the only reason for their punishment.

Is it a scandal? No. Do I think it is uncommon practice? Hell no. I'm also not naive enough to think that women don't behave the same way. They do. They've just not been caught yet. At least, not been caught and had it made public.

Chief of Navy, Vice-Admiral Russ Crane, said yesterday that once the allegations became known, the navy had "acted immediately by removing those sailors allegedly involved in the matter from the ship and referring the matter to the independent Australian Defence Force Investigative Service".

So the Navy has behaved as it should. The sailors now await the outcome of the investigation. It would only be a scandal had the Navy tried to cover it up or deny the incident never occurred.

Here's hoping there's someone to look after her pussy

1922 - 2009

Names omitted to protect the innocent or depraved

So this morning when I get to work, the moment my arse hits my seat my phone goes off. Very loudly. I think I speak for everyone when I say the last thing you want to hear at 8 a.m is the Benny Hill theme, no matter how funny the text message proves to be.

I should mention that my desk is two workstations away from the GM's office. And she was already at work. With her door open.

Anyway, back to the story.

The text message that comes through is as follows*:

Just dreamt that I had to give Dracula a hand job 'til he came so that he would spare you. Then my ex boyfriend ended up biting your neck instead so I stabbed him with the world's longest dildo. Weird or what?

Indeed, it was. I was biting the inside of my cheek to stop the hysterics that were trying to escape.

But wait, it gets better. Next message relating to dream:

So then Dracula says to me, "I've never really liked women. I like biting guys in the you know where - hee hee hee." I say that I have to kill him anyway cos he can't control his vampires. He asks me to strap the dildo on and fuck him up the arse - cos he's gay is old Dracula. And fucking him up the arse is a good way to kill bloodsuckers** apparently. So I strap on and start fucking him hard and [boyfriend] walks in.

Oh, but wait, there's more.

[Boyfriend] is angry with me. But not cos of what I'm doing but cos he wants to be fucked up the arse too cos he's half vampire. [Personal stuff I won't divulge.] [If I kiss him on the neck] it will turn him into a full vampire ... Hence prefers to be arsed. Then I woke up. In real life [boyfriend] doesn't want to be fucked up the arse!


It still makes me want to burst out laughing. This is just one of the reasons why I keep my friends around. How many people would be willing to relate such a twisted dream and give me permission to blog it?!





* some spelling and a bit of punctuation cleaned up
** the Liberal Party should take note - it's probably the only way you'll ever get rid of Julie Bishop

Dollhouse

I just finished watching the 12th episode of Dollhouse. I have mixed feelings about the series.

Let me just say that I really did enjoy it, particularly the last 3 or 4 episodes. After a close to stagnant storyline, things started moving quickly and these final episodes really reminded me why I enjoy Joss Whedon productions.

Eliza Dushku stars as Echo, one of the "Actives" or "Dolls" of the Dollhouse. Actives are people who have chosen to have their original memories and personality wiped away for five years, during which time they will be imprinted with personalities and skills acquired from multiple sources so that the wealthy may hire them in order to fulfill fantasies or even carry out risky jobs.

Other Whedon favourites appear in the show - Amy Acker (Fred from Angel) is Dr Saunders, the Dollhouse physician and Alan Tyduk (Wash from Firefly/Serenity) appears towards the end, giving a fantastic performance. He's a fantastic actor, but I don't think he'll ever get mainstream recognition for it because his performances never require the level of depth that people expect of actors of that calibre, which is a shame. He's just as deserving as Johnny Depp or Edward Norton and so on.

Before the 12th episode aired, it looked like the show wouldn't be coming back for a second series. Thankfully, after seeing the "lost" 13th episode (not to be shown on television, but will be available on the DVD release), Fox executives green-lit the renewal. Apparently, the 13th episode shows the series moving into a post-apocalyptic storyline. This intrigues me and evidently was enough to keep Fox on board.

One thing that is missing from most of the show is the humour we have come to expect from Whedon. There are moments, of course, but given the premise of the show (trading in your life for a few years of slavery with a morally-ambiguous, highly illegal operation) you can't really expect the funnies to be flying. Still there was humour - frequently subtle though it may have been.

Do I think it is as good as the cancelled Firefly (cancelled by Fox!)? No. But the first series of Angel was a total bust and Buffy stumbled along on occasion, yet they both turned out to be great.

I don't know when it will be shown on tele here (I vaguely remember reading that it would be shown on FTA sometime this year) but I suspect that when it is, you'll have to record it. It will be a late-night show for sure, given that stations here don't give decent shows a chance before pushing them into the obscurity of 11pm timeslots.

Anyway, give it a chance when you can.

Everyone else is doing it, why not me?

Song for a Sunday:

Stonewall: 40 years ago today

Forty years ago the NYPD did what police regularly did all over the USA - they raided a gay bar.

What makes the raid on the Stonewall Inn so special is that this time, the patrons fought back. This is a major turning point in LGBT history, and some say the beginning of the modern gay-rights movement.

The Village Voice has reprinted the two articles that they published in the wake of the riots. One of which they note, due to the incendiary language used by Lucian Truscott, resulted in another uprising in protest. Truscott has written an op-ed in the NYT, looking back at the night.

Forty years on, gay-marriage is slowly becoming legal in the States, however this is just one step in the ongoing battle for LGBT persons to be recognised not just as citizens, but as normal. Obama, despite assurances during his campaign, has yet to demonstrate to the gay community that he intends to remove all discrimination against them. In fact, the DOJ recently publicly supported the DOMA and have yet to make any move towards removing DADT.

Of course, gay rights don't just center around marriage and the military, but they are the two hot topics at the moment. Keith Olbermann on Prop 8:



Check out - NYT Topics: Stonewall ; The Stonewall Riot and it's Aftermath.

This week on Democracy now, looking back at Stonewall:



Update:

Some Stonewall posting from around the blogosphere.

The Raid at the Rainbow Lounge in Fort Worth - Stonewall Revisited
Stonewall: A Photo Retrospective
Wait, Why Is Stonewall Such a Big Deal?

Lame excuse

It was Meryl Streep's birthday (60!) the other day.

I tell you this only so I have an excuse to use these photos:


She's wonderful.

For Tom

'Cause I know today is not the best day for you. While I'm not a fan of the song below, I know you are.

Twilight joke better than book or film

Click to engorge.

Linky McLinks

So much stuff to blog, so little time or energy.

In Pennsylvania? Gay? Lucky you! You're "allowed" to exist!

Hang on. Gay? Sorry, we don't want your kind here. Neo-Nazi? Welcome to the US military. Because apparently, "When you need more soldiers, you lower the standards". Awesome. If you are attracted to the same sex, you're apparently of a lower character than a neo-nazi.

We're their liberators! Let's "enhance" our "interrogation" and play them Bony-M! The US military uses disco music containing Biblical references in their torture of prisoners.

Jamie Leigh Jones was 20 years old. She was working for Halliburton and was sent to Iraq. Four days later she was gang raped by co-workers. She's still waiting for justice - four years later. So now she has to resort to suing Halliburton because the DOJ won't investigate.

Apparently there was a belief there was a depression gene. I wasn't aware of this (yes, mental illness does seem to run in families, but I figured there wasn't one specific gene, but a series of faulty ones along with screwy brain chemistry), but no matter - apparently this belief has now been refuted. "The new report is likely to inflame a debate over the direction of the field itself, which has found that the genetics of illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder remain elusive." I suppose because no-one in my family has never shown signs of, let along been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I never really found myself hoping that a genetic test could give a definitive answer.

"There is nothing quite like walking into a dorm room with six naked people having sex together in a pile on the floor. Especially when one of them is your boyfriend."

Women? Good at writing about sex? That's just crazy talk! So claims the female owner of the Erotic Review. "It's almost like writing about food ... Ladies who lunch, should not really write about food because they don't really love food. They don't salivate at the thought of a great steak." Girls don't like sex, y'all. Let that be a lesson to you.

Finally, America's Best Christian - Betty Bowers - gives us a lesson on marriage according to the Bible:

Just. Brilliant.

Lesson #1. Edward Cullen exhibits creepy stalker-like behaviour. Not good.

Lesson #2. Buffy kicks vampire arse.

Lesson #3. Cullen seems to think that he is irresistable.

Lesson #4. Buffy doesn't take kindly to you watching her sleep.

Perhaps there is a god, after all...

Kate Ellis is single once more.

Pays to shop around

As you are aware, I'm on so much medication I practically rattle as I roll.

The mood stabilisers I'm on aren't covered by PBS as they are primarily an epilepsy medication. So I'm basically paying full price for them when I get the prescription filled.

The last two times I've gotten the meds was from the pharmacy closest to work. I figured that even for the generic I'd be paying no more than $5 for the added convenience.

The first time I ever bought them was from one of the Discount Drug Stores you see around. They didn't have any generic at the time so I got the name brand and paid around $70 for the privilege. Which is roughly what I paid for generic at other places after that.

The last time I bought the generic brand (from the one close to work) it cost me about $78. Today, money being tight and having the time to do it, I walked the extra blocks to the DDS at ANZAC Square.

Got the generic.

Paid $48.

I shit you not. Thirty dollars less than the other place selling me the exact same generic brand.

So, thank you Discount Drug Stores. You rock!

Upsetting day

It was an upsetting day today.

The first interesting Question Time since KRuddy became leader and where am I?

AT FUCKING WORK!!!!!

Our internet is so crap, I couldn't livestream it on my computer. So instead I had to keep up with the excitement via Twatter. Luckily, Annabel Crabb was twittering away. It made me giggle enough to want to share, but instead of only linking to it (because it will be lost in the internets, I provide a selection (click to enlarge):




Poodle = Chris Pyne
People Skills = Tony Abbott

Must go- Rudd and Turnbull on the 7:30 report.

Frost/Nixon

The Nixon interviews are perhaps the most well-known political interviews in America's history.

In them David Frost, after hours of tape, managed to get Nixon to admit to his involvement in the Watergate scandal.

The film Frost/Nixon is based on the play. In the film, Michael Sheen (Tony Blair in The Queen) and Frank Langella reprise their roles as Frost and Nixon respectively. In fact, Langella had already won a Tony award for his performance as Nixon.

Early in the film use is made of file footage, showing the lead up to Nixon's eventual resignation. We are then given a bit of grounding in just who David Frost is, and how he comes to land the interviews that would make his career.

The movie is really good. I can't find fault with it. But it's not until the end, when Nixon admits to wrongdoing, that you really feel the emotional pull that is behind it.

Maybe it's because I'm not American, so I don't have the intense feeling of betrayal that many did (and still do) have regarding Nixon's departure. I can certainly empathise with the anger that is directed at Gerald Ford for pardoning Nixon without a trial, but the betrayal ... no.

In those final shots of the interview however - BAM. Langella earned every bit of his Oscar nomination. Fantastic. You feel anger towards Nixon, yet you also feel sympathy.

If you have any interest in this, I recommend it without hesitation.

Oh, and in case you're wondering ... unlike it's counterpart in Watchmen, Nixon's schnoz is not entitled to it's own credit in this film.

Far too much music for one person

So I've spent much of the weekend sorting out the music files on my computer. Part of the reason for this is to clear up some memory on my PC.

I wanted to avoid having to delete everything from iTunes and reload it, so I was running back and forth between iTunes and the 3 places on my hard drive where the music was stored.

After numerous hours of this, I said "fuck it" and deleted everything from iTunes, moved all the music into the iTunes folder, then reloaded the folder back into the program.

Oh. My. God.

Eighty minutes later, the music had finally finished loading in. This was around 6/6:30 last night.

I went to bed at about 11:15 and iTunes was still converting all the WMA files.

So this morning I've been deleting duplicates and doing a general clean up. I started with over 17,000 in iTunes and have dropped it down to 15,243. Fuck me. As it stands, if I were to play the songs continuously it would take 44 days to get through them all.


My current approach

Problem: Entire Neil Young, Leonard Cohen, Velvet Underground and GnR catalogues.
Solution: Delete duplicates for all. Delete the VU and GnR live stuff.

Problem: Pearl Jam
Solution: Delete all.

Problem: Nirvana
Solution: Delete all bar MTV Unplugged.

Problem: Ash - two albums
Solution: Delete all bar 3 songs

Problem: Bucketloads of Bukowski and Hicks
Solution: Grudgingly delete. I'm never gonna get through them all and I need to stop kidding myself.

Problem: Almost every spoken word CD of Henry Rollins.
Solution: Too difficult to listen to on bus. Have them on CD. Delete.

Problem: Jeff Buckley peaked with Grace.
Solution: Delete all but Grace. Still have others on CD if feel remorse.

Problem: The Cure
Proposed solution: Delete all bar the acoustic and a few songs here and there. Wait for CJ's head to explode when he reads this.

Problem: I've not listened to The Doors for about 10 years. Do I want them on my PC?
Proposed solution: Delete all the stuff that I have that is on CD. Remove from iTunes (but not from PC) remaining Doors songs.

Question: Do I really want all of The Donnas available to me on my iPod? Or am I content with about an albums worth?
Answer: Decision still to be made.

Meanwhile, here's something that I'm not going to delete from iTunes:

\m/(>_<)\m/

Meanwhile, looking for the above video I found the video below. Funny.

Top 10 songs of all time

Without much prompting, I present to you my all-time top 10 songs.

Having said that - only the first one is unlikely to ever change. The other 9 change according to whim, mood, current obsession. Plus, with the exception of #1, they aren't in any particular order.

Also, don't expect comments like "great riffs" etc etc. That's not my thing. I'm more of a lyrics and voice girl. Unless metal is involved.


1. Into the Mystic - Van Morrison

I adore this song. Have since the first time I ever heard it (it features in the Feldman/Haim film, Dream a Little Dream). It actually introduced me to Mr Morrison completely (prior to that the only songs of his I'd ever heard were Brown Eyed Girl and Gloria. Both great songs, but they didn't grab me quite as much). The song itself - the lyrics, the mellow ... love it.


2. Benny and the Jets - Elton John

This has been stuck in my head for days. Days. Why? I don't know. But I do know it never fails to cheer me up, nor is it ever an unwelcome intrusion.


3. 21st Century Digital Boy - Bad Religion

Yet another I've loved since the first time I heard it. It's not spectacular, but how can you deny the catchiness?


4. Bad Reputation - Joan Jett

Actually, this really ties with Cherry Bomb (The Runaways). Both are JJ songs, but I do probably play Bad Reputation more than the other.


5. Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones

It's so clichéd to include a Stones song in a top ten, but I do love them so. And they win in the Stones/Beatles battle. Hands down.


6. The Rose - Bette Midler

It's so sad, but I just love it.


7. Piece of my Heart - Janis Joplin

It would not be a top 10 without this. I love her voice. Love. It.

I'm not sure if I've ever told this story on the blog, apologies if I have but it is just so funny. Back in the 90s Andrew Denton had a show on Channel 7. One episode (the best. episode. ever.) had Roger Daltrey, Ray Manzarek, Dick Dale and Chris Isaac. There was a lot of reminscing between all the oldies, and Isaac was having a fabulous time hearing everything that had gone on. Then either Daltrey or Manzarek remembered the time when they were in LA or NYC and Janis Joplin was there. I can't remember the specific circumstances but she hit Jim Morrison on the head with a bottle of JD.

(If anyone has a copy of that episode, I would love to get a copy off you. Email me. magicbellybutton[at]yahoo.com.au.)


8. The Devil Went Down To Georgia - The Charlie Daniels Band

Fucking. Awesome.

"I told you once you son-of-a-bitch I'm the best there's ever been."


9. Purple Rain - Prince

A classic.


10. Cryin' - Roy Orbison (and the duet he did of it with k. d. lang)

I don't really know what to say except "beautiful".



And because I can't stop at 10 - honourable mentions:

Let Me Be Your Dirty Fucking Whore / Unsent Letter - MGF
I'm Not A Fucking Drag Queen - Peter Outbridge
For Those About to Rock (We Salute You) - AC/DC
Ghost Riders in the Sky - Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson
Crazy - Patsy Cline
Du Hast - Rammstein
More Human Than Human - White Zombie
Kooks - David Bowie
She's a Mystery to me - Roy Orbison

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

SPOILERS!!!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.

And so begins P&P&Z.

As someone who has lost count of the number of times she has read P&P; who has a healthy love of zombies, vampires and the like; it was guaranteed that I was going to want to read this book. Even though I can be quite precious about the characters.

The anticipation was killing me. I asked for it for my birthday and was told it was unable to be found. Then was surprised by it arriving in the mail - sent by the same person who said they couldn't find it! Bitch. You know who you are.

Granted, I waited over a month to read it because I had library books, but the wait was worth it.

I loved it.

Grahame-Smith has taken the original text and made some changes. Charlotte's marriage to Collins is certainly better explained than in the original - she marries him because she has been scratched by a zombie and only has so long to before she too will become one of the undead. Darcy's proposal is not only met with indignation, but Lizzie gives him a good kick to the head and he breaks off a corner of the mantlepiece.

To the joy of many readers (certainly this one), Wickham gets exactly what he deserves and is rendered a cripple when given a thorough beating prior to his wedding to Lydia.

Despite these significant changes, 85% of the original text and story remains, so the inclusion of the zombies intrudes enough for you to be incredibly conscious of the differences, yet at the same time be very accepting of them. Although purists will certainly want to vomit* at the anachronisms found on every page.

Zombies (aka Unmentionables) have infested England for over 50 years and the Bennet sisters - Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty and Lydia - are charged with ensuring Hertfordshire is not overrun by the minions of Satan.

All of the girls have been trained in China. Lady Catherine looks down her nose at this (she is trained in the Japanese arts), even when blindfolded Lizzie quickly dispatches a number of her finest ninjas (and later on, almost beheads Lady Catherine herself!) You will be happy to know Darcy's aunt remains just as narcissistic and dull as in the earlier novel.

Some of my favourite parts of the book involve double (and triple) entendres, as well as some blatantly absurd scenes.

Lady Catherine to Darcy after Elizabeth has demonstrated her ability to balance on one fingertip:

"Miss Bennet would make a fine showing of Leopard's Claw if she practiced more, and could have the advantage of a Japanese master. She has a very good notion of fingering."

After being attacked by zombies when visiting Pemberly, Darcy gives Elizabeth a musket to further protect her and her aunt and uncle during their roam around the grounds. As they are leaving, Lizzie returns the weapon to him:

She remembered the lead ammunition in her pcoket and offered it to him. "Your balls, Mr Darcy?" He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, "They belong to you, Miss Bennet."

(Actually, I was reading that passage on the bus and had to put the book down and bite the inside of my cheek, lest I start laughing out loud.)

Then we have the blatant comments that would surely have Austen rolling over in her grave, had she not already demonstrated that she had a fine sense of humor. Lizzie to Jane when explaining how it was she came to be in love with Darcy:

"It has been coming on so gradually, that I hardly know when it began. But I believe I must date it from my first seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts."

I don't want to spoil it any further, but let me just add that we have a cannibal, a suicide, and descriptions that really do want to make you throw up (unless that is just my imagination being too vivid).

Highly recommended (but something that can really only be appreciated if you have read the original).

To add to the excitement - there will be a delux edition released in November. More zombies included! Colour illustrations! Can't wait!


*vomit plays a large part in the novel

Cossie goes bye bye

Ring ring...

Hello?

Hey Malcolm. How they hanging?

Gold as usual, Peter. Do what do I owe the pleasure?

Look, a bit of a heads up. Today I'm going to announce...

Fuck man! Don't do this to me now! You grow a pair now? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Hang on! I'm going to announce that I'm not going to run for reelection! For fuck's sake, Turnbull, get a fucking grip.

Oh.

....

OH.

...

*giggle*

...

*uncontrollable fit of hysterical giggles*

Turnbull?

*sound of someone running around the room; giggles*

MALCOLM!

[Out of breath] *ahem* Are you ... *choking noise* ... are you sure?

Well, yeah. I wrote the book with the aim of getting back in the game, but quite frankly I think the party is fucked and I want no part of it.

Oh. Um. OK.

I mean, Julie Bishop not only as deputy but as Treasurer? The bitch no longer has the portfolio, but she's still there. Fucking vampire that she is. At least Janette had the good grace to suck everyone's soul out behind the scenes.

*ahem* Right. OK. When will this be announced?

It's going on the website soon. Don't try to talk me out of it.

Well. Your experience is valued...

Oh, give it up pretty boy. You've won.

*muffled noise*

Was that a "squee"?

Um, no. It was a ... mouse.

...

Yeah. I need to, um, need to call in the exterminator.

...

So. Is that it?

Yep. You better get back to counting your money, then.

I wasn't!

Sorry. Playing with your ... hair.

Goodbye.

*click*

OK. Peter? Peter? You there?

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few hours later...


Ring ring....

Hello?

About fucken time, ya gutless cunt!

Oh, hey Wilson.

Too little too late, turdface!

....

Tell anyone I said this and I'll kick you so hard up the arse you'll be using my shoelaces for floss - that fucker Keating had it right. All tip, no fucking balls.

...

*click*

...

Children: to have and have not.

That women feel the need to justify their choices in life and men don't is one of the more irritating things about life.

Feminism is supposed to make us feel good about our choices, for other people to accept them without judgement, but there is still a large segment of society that make us feel like we need to explain ourselves. That we are not deserving of the right to make decisions if they don't conform to the preconceptions of others.

Among the many choices made by women is that of having children.

If a woman expresses the desire to not procreate, she can be met with a number of responses:

1) "I'm so sorry." Why? Do you assume I can't have children and are masking my "true" feelings about this by telling others it is a choice?

2) "You'll change your mind." I'm an adult. I've thought about this for a long time and no, I'm not likely to change my mind - no matter how much I joke about being willing to have children for Geroge Clooney.

3) "So you don't like kids?" Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But to make the judgement that I don't simply because I choose to not have children is a very blinkered approach.

4) "You're being selfish." Is it selfish to not want to bring another unwanted child into this world?

The claim that I am being selfish is the main one that annoys me. Closely followed by the statement that I'll change my mind.

It is selfish to have children just because you feel you should. If you don't want a child, don't have one. Who cares what other people think? It's your life; it's your choice. To make women feel guilty because they don't want children is one of society's great failings. A woman who does not want children is not less of a woman. She is someone who is listening to what she wants; who has the strength to be who she wants to be. (This does not mean that women who choose to have children don't have that same strength, just that society makes it marginally easier for them to be who they want to be.)

Likewise, a woman may change her mind. It could be that she didn't want children but like all of us, over time she changed and she feels that she would like to have children after all. When a man changes his mind it is seen as a sign of strength; when a woman does it she is fickle.

A child is not a toy. It is not something that you have for fun then after 18 years you no longer need to have anything to do with it. A child is for life. They break your heart, they provide some of the happiest moments of your life, they can be as frustrating as hell and just as expensive. But they are not something you do on a whim, or just because everyone tells you you should.

It's not just women who don't want children who feel pressure. Those who choose to have children are questioned about their intentions. Continue to work? Selfish. Stay at home? Not contributing to society. Have several children? Clearly doesn't know when to stop. Unmarried? Single? Only doing it for the money.

Women who do have children are also expected to feel that they are the most important things in their lives. In 2006 Felicity Huffmann stated that she didn't view her children as her greatest achievement. The outrage! How dare a mother say that?!

How dare society place such a narrow ideal on any person.

The argument that if we weren't meant to have children, then we wouldn't be given the biology to do so is utter bull. Biological imperative is just an excuse made by people who a) aren't open-minded enough to see that everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and/or, b) have some kind of fundamentalist belief that to live is to breed.

Nor does having children make you a superior person. Just because someone doesn't have offspring does not mean that their opinions about childhood or raising a child are any less valid. In fact, their points of view can allow for a different perspective that may even be, shock! horror!, helpful and full of insight. To dismiss a person merely because their loins have not born fruit is narrow-minded and hostile.

Next time someone says they don't want to have children, accept their decision. Don't make them feel they need to justify it, or make them feel like they're being selfish. They don't have to and they're not.


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